The Living Word

I realized that in the face of doubt the things that lead me back to God, and my sweet Jesus as His son, are not the scriptures. He is the living Word. Living in the mountains of Iceland, the jungles of Costa Rica, the streets of south central L.A, within the bark of the redwoods. His power tosses me and overcomes me amongst the waves of the West coast ocean, His peace blows through me in the Manitoulin wind, His joy is found in the deep Quebec woods, His passion is in the moments of intimacy between my husband and I, His beauty is in a Feist song, and His grace lives in the people I get to serve everyday.  

Jacobs alter was found in the wilderness, not the four walls of a sanctuary. The living Christ is in the miracles we overlook. The miracle of a bird flying through the mountains with perfect precision, the miracle of someone in a wheelchair learning to take one extra shaky step, and the miracle of laughter. Even larger than this, the living Christ is in me. So is undeniable broken humanity. Henri Nouwen says "In the hands of the oppressed we can see our own hands. In the faces of the oppressors we can see our own faces." To Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh this is called "inter-being." We are compelled to compassion because we see ourselves as the broken, the enslaved, the impoverished, and the oppressed and we are compelled to grace because we see ourselves as the warlords, the ugly, the sinful, and the oppressors. This realization of inter-being, this realization of the living Christ not boxed, not compressed but in the world (the wilderness) and in all things fuels us to a place where we desire understanding. We can no longer simply look at something or someone. We must look deeply. Deeply enough to see histories, God and ourselves. There is no them and there is no us. God is amongst.
 This changes everything. This calls you into action. This dissolves fear of the uncomfortable, of the different and of the other. "Jesus' message comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable," the saying goes. We are called to community. Global community where we get rid of us and them. Global community where we see ourselves as those we formerly called different. We don't need to protect, to isolate, to save, and to collect.  We don't need to protect because we see goodness in others, and we see our own responsibility in perpetuating violence in our own anger. We don't need to isolate because fear dissolves and we see we are better together. We don't need to save and collect because we see ourselves in the poor- we see how our pursuit for comfort drives others into discomfort our pursuit of the American Dream oppresses nations of people. We see we don't need violence and war. We need only to kill the ugliness in ourselves, we need only to practice non-violence within ourselves. We need only to focus on the living Christ in ourselves and on the living Christ in others and on the living Christ in the world. Heaven is in the moments we look deeply on this living Christ and choose life instead of death. Peace instead of violence. Community instead of isolation. Adventure instead of safety. Love instead of fear.

Mystery

This is a toast to the elusive, the complex, the heavy, the uneasy, and the mysterious. This is a toast to the message of the historical Jesus and the living Christ before and since Jesus.

I am here to speak against the representation of faith as simple, easy or a practice of specific beliefs. For some this may work. Some may meet God here, but there is a movement of others that can't sit still long enough and can't look into history, ourselves, others or Christ long enough to not come away scratching our heads and needing to search more deeply.

This is for those people. The type that search, not for answers, but for more questions.

I grew up in church. I grew up being told to "just believe." I was told that faith was simple. I was told that prayer "works." That doubts and questions were "spiritual attacks." That searching out in the world, out in other religions would surely lead me astray and surely lead to damnation.

I was given the box that was safe and told the outside was the path to death.

Again, this may work for some, but I was too curious not to dangle my toes out of the box. I was too bored, uneasy, and empty not to look elsewhere. I was too effected by poetry, a mountain and people with broken bodies to not call them Holy. I found love where I wasn't supposed to go and I found peace in the dirty, which told me there was more to the story than I had been told.

Where is the easy or simple in a story where a Man's message leads him to death? Where is the comfort and piety when He asks us to do the same? How did a founder who asked more questions than gave answers create religions with so many rules? How did a founder that spoke almost solely in metaphors and pointed to only elusive things create religions that put boundaries on where we are and are not "allowed" to go (physically, mentally and spiritually) to meet Him and the Divine he speaks of?

There is nothing simple about the kingdom of God. There is so much ambiguity about a Kingdom that is here and there and also within you. There is nothing tangible about a God that is neither male nor female, neither fully spirit nor body. There is nothing you can hold about a totally unknowable and untouchable Being that also becomes incarnated and fully human and claims to be personal. There is so much elusive about a world that is harsh and broken, but also a manifestation of the ultimate Divine- beautiful and holy.  

There is so much mystery in the seen, let alone the unseen.

But people aren't okay with letting the mystery float above them, under them and through them. We want answers. Are we okay where we are? Do we have a one way ticket to Heaven? Do we have to give up our way of life, our comfort, our desires or can we mould everything to fit around us?

Where would not knowing lead us? Who would we be in so much unknowing? Would we have to think, stretch, grow or change?

That's too much work. We would rather make it simple. We would rather live comfortably in that box.

We don't want to stop and see the Divine in the flower; we barely stop long enough to notice the Holy in the blessed bread and wine. We don't want the Divine to lead us to the dying, ugly and sick. We don't want the Divine to lead us up a mountain, into the woods and through the wilderness. We don't want the Divine to lead us to fight injustice, oppression and poverty. And We definitely don't want to carry out a kingdom that leads to our death.

If scripture isn't living out these things; using our bodies, minds and souls to get lost in the mystery, than I don't know what it is. The words on the pages can have life, but they are meant to breath out enough life to carry it onward. They are not to just meditate on and fight over. They are but a part of the story. They are only part of The Word that has been spoken, created, and lived for billions of years and is meant to continue being spoken, created and lived.

There is a reason there have been so many wars and so many people have been killed over following these rules or not following these rules over the years.

It is complex. It is vast. It is not simple.

We could have intellectual arguments including all religions and sub religions, every historical and spiritual figure and personal story and we will always prove and disprove it all a hundred times over. We could analyze and talk in circles into eternity. I live to have these conversations,but I also live to drop the ideas and experience unknowing; full trust.

I recently heard a beautiful Aboriginal saying that begins by looking at all around us and claiming "the only thing that can explain all this is this very experience, this very moment."
I realized then they were experiencing the same force I was, just calling It a different name.

We can't know beyond experience.

There is still room for choosing personal truth. As Rob Bell says there is a place we "live from" everyday. No matter your theology, what is the story or truth that affects your day to day life. What determines your everyday choices; deeper than that, what drives you to find joy in life? No matter the argument, there is a personal truth we can cling to- a place we can "live from"- and still be okay with the unknowing of the ultimate Truth.

It is okay to not know. There is beauty in confusion. There is trust in mystery.
I want to see a world of more questions and less answers.
Questions make you vulnerable, questions lead you to others and questions lead you to the Divine.
Believing in answers leads to selfishness, power, isolation and ultimately violence.

It is hard to believe in one truth, simple and complete without driving yourself into isolation or colonialism. There is more to the story, and we are but a part of it. We are simply called to experience it all and keep taking steps forward.

Lead the way explorers, questioners and mystics.
Carry the Word and Kingdom in the places that are "out there."
Search in the dust. Dig in the dirt. Kiss the unclean. Embrace the dirty. Dance with children. Carry the dying. Hold hands with the enemy. Empathize with the sinners. Find the humanity in the Saints. Drink with the broken. Eat with those that are different.

Ultimately, see the Divine in each. Be okay with it all making sense somewhere within and at the same time all being totally unknowable.

Seeing Everything as Spiritual

Everything is Spiritual

All my thoughts on this came together the second I took a few moments to deeply look at a small branch. I highly recommend it.

It is very poetic and beautiful to talk about seeing a flower as spiritual. It is intriguing to hear someone say they found God in the bark of a tree, but is there any weight to these statements?
Is there a way to see everything as spiritual?

I think there is.

In fact, I can think of two ways.

The world was created when the Divine decided to manifest Himself/Herself out of love. The I am was poured out into all the bigness and littleness of everything that is. Space was formed to make room for more Holy and Unique in what we would call tangible. The tree bark is not just tree bark but a Divine creation made from pure and perfect love- and in a way that nothing else can- shows a bit of the Creator. We can learn about God's presence, love and being from the vastness of the ocean and the littleness of an acorn. Each not able to be replaced in the Kingdom.

This changes the way we see everything. We begin to have reverence with every step.  We find purity in every blade of grass. We see grace with each rain drop.

We suddenly want to take perfect care of the earth that has been blessed, the world of lives that hold the essence of the Christ, and the body we have been given.

Sorry, my dear Love, I didn't see you there.. And there... And there.
Sorry we tear you up, step on you, pollute you, spit on you and take control over you.
We are now your servants. Use us to preserve, care for and love you.

If we can pass a dying flower or raccoon without the smallest of empathy and reverence, how will we react to dying humanity?

Jesus talks about a Kingdom that is here. A Kingdom of "on earth as in Heaven." If there was any call He gave us it was the renewal, rehabilitation and redemption of the Earth and all beings that dwell on it.

But first we have to see it.

"Ah, here you are Kingdom of God. Right in front of me. Present in the seed in my palm"

Holy is there. I beg you to look.

The second way to see the spiritual in everything is to realize the reality of "inter-being," inter-being is a word borrowed from Zen monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, who understand the connectedness of all that lives and dwells.

Once you realize the "oneness" of everything that exists you cannot help but feel ultimately  connected and a kinship to all around you.

When we look at a flower we should know that it is not just a flower. The flower is made up of minerals, the earth, the sun, and water. Once it dies it becomes compost that builds more life. The life of the flowers allows us to have the oxygen and release the carbon dioxide that we need to keep on living and giving more life.

The flower is not simply a flower. It is our partner in life.

We also learn that we are composed of atoms that are mostly made of blank space. The atom can attach and detach after death. What once made the flower, Ghandi or the rain now makes us.

It is not just a pebble, it is made of the same stuff that makes us. We are connected.

St Francis knew his kinship to all. He knew to address brother bear and sister moon as family. He was not going to pretend they were not as sacred as scripture or prayer.

I can't pretend that crossing paths with a fox feeds me more than a psalm.

Jesus continually finds life in everything and family in everyone. It is all Holy ground we tread on; try taking off your shoes and feel it; be overtaken by it.

Try again to pass by the dying raccoon or begging Lazarus.
You will only see yourself and the Divine and it will become much harder to turn away.

These things don't need you to see them to continue giving you life or being Holy, but you will be made new by the dance of the leaves in the wind or the rays of the sun if you would allow them to penetrate your soul. Open your "third eye" to see the world made new, the kingdom of God, the grace of the Divine and to find more of yourself.


"God has no hands but ours, no bread but the bread we bake, no prayers but the ones we make, whether we know what we're doing or not. When Christians speak of the mystery of the incarnation, this is what they mean: for reasons beyond anyone's understanding, God has decided to be made known in flesh. Matter matters to God. The most ordinary things are drenched in divine possibility. Pronouncing blessing on them is the least we can do. " -Barbara Brown Taylor

The Dark Cloud

There has to be some sort of supreme, holy sort of unconditional love

I have a yearning; a holy yearning, an organic yearning, a yearning not of this world within me. 

The yearning, the desire is almost solely what tells me I am more than just alive, I am eternal. There is redemption on the other side. 

Peace darling Carli. The Divine says to me. 

"Poor dear, my poor poor baby." as Barbara Brown says.

"There is something perfectly holy and complete out there waiting for you." It still whispers.

Maybe the whole point of this is to believe in that redemption. Or maybe the whole point is prepare for that redemption. Or maybe the whole point is just to know of that redemption.  

Whatever it is- my desire for a deeper love- a holy love- is still met with something. 

My heart burns and then my heart sings a song asking for something to manifest itself to me. 

As I have learned the holiest of things are the things that have no name. That cannot be talked about. That are not nothing but something. Just some thing. Some thing that is out there somewhere. An energy as much as a reality. Something out there and something within me. But it is there. Hope becomes manifested into a tangible thing. Just some thing. 

The things that are within me; The desires, sufferings, yearnings, hopes and loves as much a reality as the chair in front me. The senses that perceive the chair are as elusive as the desire to be uneqivically loved. I chose to believe in the elusive, the unexplained, the felt, the untouchable, the unperceived as well as the perceived. It is all there and not there. It is all in the wilderness and all in my spirit. This moment proves all moments. This breath all breaths. The mountain proves a Divine. Sex proves a maker. Bread proves a saviour. Love proves a spirit. My understanding of these things proves there is something out there connecting to that understanding. To me. 

I am beginning to realize you cannot name this energy. You cannot call out to the sacred with a name. You cannot tame the sacred or make him/her what you want of it. 

Language is too small. Too concrete. Our calling the Divine one thing or the next thing will not make him/her that. Language only changes our perceptions; not who He/She is. Sit in the elusive for a while with no words or language. No theology or ideas. Feel what you cannot think. Believe in the things that are made of "some thing" but not tangible. Escape humanity, not able to fully understand, but able to try. Use humanity, find the holy in a sunset,  in digging in the dirt or in making supper. Expand yourself in an attempt to meet the sacred. Grow in an attempt to understand the Divines bigness, wildness, deepness.  Get over yourself and go within yourself to see more of Yahweh. 

I wonder what the dark cloud above Moses would say to our desire to put the sacred in a box. What it would say to us announcing what the Divine is for and against and of making those things into religions of exclusion and safety? What would that dark cloud say to our violence when we set our sites on the specifics and kill those that disagree?  I know what Jesus would say. He would point to a different kingdom. A kingdom unexplained. An elusive kingdom that is here and there and within. He would talk about the lilies of the field and the poor. He would point to that dark cloud. 

"Aslan is not a tame lion." 

We won't ever be fully enlightened to the sacred's vastness, but we will grow. Growing is essential to humanity. Humanity is essential to meeting the Divine and taking moments away from humanity is essential to meeting the Divine. Continue this and continue to grow.       

A few Stories...

I have a couple stories for you.
Just because I think they are cool and worth telling.

Penn Station 

Before we left for Costa Rica I was working at a Children's Camp for kids with special needs with Christian Horizons, and one of the last days I injured my back during an incident involving a restraint. A few days later I was off in a plane and found myself hiking for hours up and then back down a mountain, that felt like it had 90 degree hills. Lets just say I was in, what felt like at times, excruciating pain, but I made a deal with myself after climbing up to the highest reserve that I wouldn't complain about it and I would push through the pain. On our way back we had a long layover in New York, and decided to go tour New York City. After a long day of walking around the bright city lights I was in so much pain I was fighting back tears.
We were waiting for our train at Penn Station to go back to the hotel to grab our stuff and get to the airport.
Everyone was tired (and kind of grumpy) and when the train got there everyone ran for it.
I had plunked myself down on the ground while we were waiting, and all of sudden found myself stuck. I was trying to get up and run with the group to the train, but it felt like my brain and the nerves in my back were no longer connected. I started losing sight of everyone in our group, and thought that I would actually be left behind.
Just then I see a hand reach down to where I was at. I looked up to see a smiling, friendly face of a young man who was developmentally disabled. He simply said "Do you need help?"
I humbly and happily accepted his hand and he walked with me to the train.
As I was dozing off in the train I thought about the symbolism behind him physically helping me, since I always try to communicate how it is a partnership of teacher/learner and helper/helped with the people I work with. I smiled to myself thinking of how this story brought it to life with something tangible.
It took someone who often gets left behind to notice someone that needed help and he didn't hesitate to be that help.
Just beautiful.  


Frank, the Homeless Poet, and My Friend Sebastian 

Last week Ben and I took out two missionaries our church supports from India, Frank and Bapu. We had so much fun eating out and touring around Ottawa with them. While we were at lunch we were picking Franks brain, being the adventurous quirky 78 year old man he is, we figured we could learn a thing or two from his 50 years in the mission field. He had so many insights into many of life's mysteries, but we found one of the coolest things about him was that he was so confident in who he was and who God was, that he didn't really care too much about the rest of it, or how others chose to spend their time or money. He was a man that treasured solitude and a moment with the Divine and it was as though he came to the place where he actually started knowing and acting grace. As he talked about the differences between this society and India, he didn't condemn the way western society operates (which I tend to do), he knew the Christians in this context were as covered by grace as he was, and it showed he truly believed it. So cool.
So as we sat and listened to all these things a strange thought came to me. The waitress would come every so often and we would stop talking and either give our order or compliment the food and then when she left get back to talking. I thought about how this waitress and so many others, like the barista that later took our drink order, would interact with Frank and probably never know all the wisdom he holds or that he houses, feeds and educates currently 1500 children in India.

Now hold that thought.

That same day as we were walking around downtown Ottawa I noticed a homeless man sitting with a bunch of cardboard standing up beside him, I knelt down beside him and realized it was poems written with marker on these pieces of cardboard. I asked him if he minded if I read them, and he happily and humbly agreed. As I read them, particularly one called "isolation" I was awestruck and touched. They were so beautiful and insightful. The words came to life on those small, cut out, dirty pieces of cardboard.
And then a similar thought came to mind, so many people would pass this man on the street everyday and never stop, never wonder, and never know the compelling talent and poet that he was. They would never get the opportunity to be touched by his words or taught by his depth of understanding the human condition.

Now hold that thought.

A week later I found out that a rather large church in Ottawa was running a second hand sale to raise money for Christian Horizons Global. Now I knew my friend Sebastian, a person I support at L'Arche, would be interested in going to this because he never turns down an opportunity to go to church. I arrived to pick him up that evening and we went off to enjoy the music and rummage through the second hand treats. Sebastian is someone that is always full of joy. He make me belly laugh on a regular basis. As we got to the church we began looking around at the goodies and Sebastian, being the friendly man that he is, began interacting with people. I was a little put off because many of the people he talked to didn't even bother responding to him or his questions. He usually greets people with "What's your name?" followed by "Do you like movies?" People just kept moving along and ignoring his presence. We sat for the worship and bought some of our things and left. Him completely unfazed by any of it, he is who he is, and he is going to be full of joy even if you don't answer his questions, but it still bothered me. I vocalized some of my frustrations with my dear Marika who came along with Sebastian and I. Being reminded again of Frank and the homeless man and how people never stop to notice.  Every person in that place would have been better off knowing the shining light that is Sebastian, but no one did, and that is kind of sad to me.

Now you can stop holding those thoughts.
Take some time to know the people around you, stop for a minute, be open to your brothers and sisters, create an accepting community to surround you, and treat everyone with tenderness.
This is not just for others but also for yourself.
You never know if you will meet Frank, the homeless poet or my friend Sebastian that could make your life a little brighter and more full.  

My Jesus

Every time I pass by one of those signs in front of churches, I always roll my eyes.
It's always something so cheesy.
Last night it was "God can do anything but fail." BLEH.
They just always seem to fall so short of the message that would reach people.
I always ask people, who's opinions I respect, what they feel is the most important message, what they believe would be the single most vital thing to get across to people suffering about who Jesus is.
I asked Pastor Alex this when we were in Costa Rica, really feeling like if anyone was to know it was him, who is serving suffering people all the time.
His answer, through broken english, was simple and through a means; with action, with serving, with meeting people where THEY are at you bring Love, Acceptance and Grace. And then he reminded me that his church is full of people he met in bars, dumpsters, and brothels and range from ex prostitutes to ex hitmen.

After passing by the church sign yesterday I was trying to think of the message I would want to get across, what I would want the countless suffering people to know as they passed by about my Jesus.

Jesus is a radical adventurer, a radical lover, a radical philosopher/theologian, a radical servant, a radical Father/Friend/Mentor; a radical hippie.
He is full of radical selflessness, radical acceptance, radical grace, radical forgiveness, radical passion and radical peace. 
He wants to know you intimately, wholly, honestly, and deeply
And not despite it all but with it all;
He wants to love you fully, unconditionally, passionately, beautifully, flawlessly, and furiously  

I need a bigger sign.

My Life's Message

I feel like I am one of the luckiest people alive. I have been blessed with some of the most beautiful people to share life with.

These people are kind. Real. Vulnerable. Funny. Patient. Accepting. Each one brings me closer to the Divine and each teaches me a little more about my own soul that I didn't know before.

Don't get me wrong these people are not perfect, in fact, according to much of societies standards they are far from perfect. They are "broken." They are "disabled."

Someone recently asked me why I decided to become a Developmental Service Worker, a question I have been asked a million times, but all of a sudden the real reason hit me in the face.

I had just before that moment noticed that not everyone is comfortable around people with developmental disabilities, a phenomenon to me. Of course I knew those people out there, the ones that gave me looks everytime I went to the mall or park with someone I support, but in my mind those were uneducated or just plain terrible people, but it had never occurred to me that well intentioned, well educated people could feel the same way.
The reason this was such a phenomenon to me was because if I walked into a party of people I didn't know, and was uncomfortably eating appetizers and trying to pick someone to have a conversation with, if I saw someone with a disability I would naturally go to them.

Now, saying all this when this person asked me why I had become a Developmental Service Worker it finally made sense why I felt more comfortable around people with disabilities. Why I would approach that person at the party first.

It was in highschool, a place a lot of us felt broken, excluded, and in many instances worthless (which pretty much sums up my highschool experience), that I first started volunteering in the special needs room at my school. At the time it was mostly because I wanted something to do during my lunches, so I wouldn't be alone, but I found something a lot more beautiful than an escape.

I found a place of acceptance.

It became clear that in this place no matter what you've done, no matter what flaws you had, no matter what society said was wrong with you, no matter what disability you had (and don't fool yourself we ALL have disabilities), you were accepted here.

It reminded me of the kind of community that Jesus would have sought out. The kind that was a little broken, a little rough around the edges, but one that knew their humanity, knew their flaws and was open to others and to Him.

I have said many times that you don't know what a real church is supposed to be like until you go to a group home. And now "group home" is a taboo term, but I love it. It is a group of people trying to make a safe haven, a home. The strong helping the weak, the weak teaching the strong about their vulnerable humanity. A trust and love needed between all. Diversity among all, but still a connection as beings created by the same Love. When I walk into a church, I would love to see the same thing.

This year I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish. And one of them was Advocate in a Real Way for people with developmental disabilities. And the only way I could think of doing that was in this forum. I want others to understand what I have, so that the gap between able bodied and disabled would be closed, once everyone realized there is no such thing as able bodied, and there is so much to learn from those that we cast away and say are "too disabled." Maybe it's because we don't want to see ourselves in them, maybe it's because we don't want our own humanity laid in front of us, or because we don't want to see there isn't much difference between this person and us.

Maybe we are just scared.

I'll let you know right now, there isn't much difference between that person and you. Once you see yourself as a child of the Creator, even just as a being with a soul, you will see there isn't much separating you from everyone else, disabled or not.

I truly pray you will find this community. That you will go out of your way to seek out a friendship with people with disabilities, and not to help them or with the mindset you are going to bring something to them, but to actually learn from them and allow them to show you what friendship and acceptance is really like. Something really amazing happens when you become in touch with your Humanity, it is much easier to distinguish between you and God and you meet Him in a whole new way.

This is my life's message. If I only had one thing left to say to the world, I truly believe it would be this.   Next time you're at a party, looking for someone to talk to, go to the same person I would.
I promise you will find a friend.

His strength is within You.

This is a very important piece of writing for me. I have, for quite a while, been struggling to piece together all my thoughts on this subject, and trying to write about it, but kept finding myself writing down the unimportant things and leaving out the vital message I wanted to say. But today, I am just going to try, even though I know I won't get it the way I want it.

Daisy Buchanan in the Great Gatsby said "That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool"
I have been finding that I have a real heart for women and seeing women succeed, despite the kinds of pressure and confusion that every woman has to deal with.There have been a few key moments that have happened in the last, basically year, of my life that I believe God has been allowing me to be a part of to really piece together this message. 

I firstly, have been personally hurt by the sexualization of women. I couldn't even get away from it as I walked through the mall yesterday and saw the kinds of clothes that are "in style" for women. And I can't get away from it on a daily basis, because I can no longer turn on my TV or computer without seeing someone's daughter, mother, friend made into nothing more than a pinup for someone else's fleeting desires . As a woman, wife and daughter, I find it painful to see these images that are every where and finding their way into the self images of the women seeing them everyday.

The other thing that really affected me was that Dove video that come out earlier this year, everyone had their opinions about it, but I thought it just highlighted the fact that our society does truly find beauty in the shallow and the shell. As each woman was told that others found them more beautiful then they had previously thought they were, they were still told that their beauty was found in their outward appearance, that is not even bringing up the fact that every "compliment" in the video was described as "thin face or chin", without any diversity among the women all that was really stated was there is a very westernized idea of appeal out there and woman are expected to live up to it.

The third thing for me, was realizing that we haven't come as far as I thought when it comes to equal opportunities, respect and appreciation. In the church especially, I feel like women have their "roles" and men have theirs. Speaking nothing against my church, but earlier this year we had a business meeting and voted in our board. In that meeting the two women that were nominated were the first two voted out. This had a huge impact on me personally. It hurt, and to be quite honest, made me angry. I felt like since woman made up half of the church we should get half of the say. The other thing that made me realize this was during class one day a professor of mine told us that a male professor had written an article, as she read it in class, my heart broke. The core message of the article was that rape wasn't always a bad thing because "how else would ugly girls get the opportunity to have sex." As a lash back to this article a female floor in the residence put up a sign that read "No means no," shortly after this poster another one went up on a male floor saying "No means get on your knee's b****." How far have we really come?

Ever since these few moments, all I have wanted to do is tell every woman I could what they're worth, as exactly that, a woman. With strength and grace and compassion, we have nothing to prove, but ourselves against who we really want to be. I decided that to deal with this problem, that seems to be an eternal one, it makes no sense trying to tell men what women are worth, but building up women and their identities in more than just that pinup suit and expectations of others, including men. Feminism should be about knowing who you want to be, someone that is good, honest and real and going for that person and not the one that is expected of you.

We still live in a fairly masculine world, and even biblically there seems to be a lean towards the masculine. In another moment of complete honesty, I always was a bit angry with God about that. But then I began really looking at who God is and really looking at who Jesus is, both man and woman are made in God's image, and when you take a good look, I would say God has some pretty strong female qualities. His never ending grace, compassion for the broken, nurturing heart, and bold strength are in every woman I have ever met, even if she doesn't even know it. 

Insecurity is something I have always dealt with, and this past year it has been worse than ever.
Insecurity is a flaw that has been brainwashed into every little girl that grows up and isn't shown the qualities that truly make her a work of art, qualities that have nothing to do with the shell, but rather go as deep as being the daughter of a King and as deep as having the qualities of this King within her, including His strength.  

Even though Daisy's statement may have been true for the past, we could change that for the future. 
I have always loved Dustin Hoffman, and this video gave me the final push to say something, please say something too, whatever is on your heart:

One year ago...

Two Journal Entries from our L.A. Missions Trip

August 30, 2012

We have been in L.A. for four days now. it is Thursday morning but unlike the other early mornings I am not packing up to head to the DreamCenter with the rest of the team. Em got really sick last night, and I am staying back with her at the hotel. The past few days have been great, but in an unexpected way. It wasn't exactly how I pictured it to be. The first day we loaded trucks full of food and brought it to a community near by. When we arrived there was a line down the street of people with grocery bags waiting for the food. They were mostly all Hispanic, but they differed in age. There were families and babies as well as some elderly people. We unloaded the truck and began to hand out the food to the assembly line of people. Usually nothing more than a "Have a good day." or "God bless" was spoken since there were so many to be served, but it was a prospective killer. Last night we went to the beach and four of our team members got baptized. As we left the beach we passed by all these people, dining and laughing in the fancy restaurants. It hit me there that these people consumed and forgot. That I can consume and forget. Forget the faces that I had seen the first work morning, and what life looks like to them. Even in close proximity it is worlds different. These faces at the beach laugh and forget , and I am struck at the thought of what I will chose. Which faces will I be around, how will I serve and which would Jesus? I truly do not want to go home and consume and forget.


August 31, 2012

I have so many emotions, stories and information to sort through tonight. Today was a complete overload. In the morning we had chapel, then two sessions at the DreamCenter. God has just been speaking to me through every single person I've encountered and I am trying to sort through all of the messages. In our prayer afterwards I just kept talking at God, truing to figure everything out. I finally become too overloaded and I felt God whisper to me "rest for a moment." I laid down and pictured myself how I always do; laying on the forest floor with my Jesus, but this time I turned and saw Mike. Mike was a man I met on Skid Row, a beautiful man who had zero teeth and an amazing attitude. He made promises he would get himself into the DreamCenter, I need to pray he keeps it. Then I looked past Mike and saw Dante, Michelle and Doris and all the other beautiful people I met today. God stopped me in that moment, He made me smile as He showed me He has it already overcome. These are His children and it is not on me to become overwhelmed, it is not on me to figure out. It is on me to trust my Father and to live for Home. I laid there with these people, God continuing to show me His desire is for them as well. I need to share my Jesus, because He is a good daddy and His love is perfect and can overcome all. Trust, Carli, trust.

Click here to donate to our trip to Costa Rica this year: http://www.mosaic2013.com

Missions Trip; Costa Rica

Hello friends&family! 

I am writing this blog post because Ben and I are taking a group of our students and leaders to Cartago in Costa Rica for a missions trip this year! Our church (Parkway Road) has recently partnered with a couple that are down there doing some amazing ministries with the people around them. And we couldn't miss out on giving them a hand and a bit of community as they truly do the work of Jesus.

I am not writing this to go into detail of all we will do in Costa Rica, but rather to share our hearts with you and hope for some partnership with us in this trip. As Ben and I got to know each other and developed our relationship the one thing that really drew us together was our mutual desire to serve and the need we saw to live selfless lives. We have dreamed up and struggled with the ways in which we could really live the radical way Jesus taught and lived out. It always seemed like something that was far away or in our future that we needed to work things out (finish school) to do first- but on our missions trip the dreamcenter in Los Angeles last year, we both had a realization that God was calling us to important work here and now and asking us to be selfless in the things we do on a daily basis, first. For me, working as admirably and diligently as I can with people with disabilities and for Ben (and I) to really teach the ways of that radical hippie, also known as Jesus, and show our passion to the students of Parkway. One way we have really sparked that passion in them is with these short term missions trips. We are now seeing a difference in their lives, hearts and even futures as they come back seeing the impact practical servanthood in the name of Jesus can have. We now are seeing students that are becoming full time missionaries as they leave highschool and one girl that is going to serve at the dreamcentre for the next year or two.

I have been doing some overnight shifts at the group home, and they have become my "inspect who Jesus really is.." nights. I have been overwhelmed and completely convicted on how much Jesus talks against the luxuries I so often feel I deserve. His whole message was about serving, specifically the poor and giving up all worldly possessions. As I read things like "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" and the times Jesus asks the rich men to first give up their wealth before they inherit eternal life- I just felt so heavy as I realize I am the rich man in these stories. As Henri Nouwen often states (in multiple forms): I need the needy as much as they need me. I always sit around thinking everything God has for me is in the future, but he has already told me what I must do (serve the "least of these") and when I must do it (well, now).

As we go on another trip and learn from some amazing people down in Costa Rica I hope you will pray for us. As we look upon the many faces we will see down there and as we become, for a time, friends, mentors, moms or dads and as we are able to share Abba's love that brings peace like no other and get to serve in a way that can change perspective and be carried back, I hope you will be there with us as brothers and sisters in faith. It is great to have passion sparked and to see the students hearts as they really just want to gain another brother or sister, or they really want someone else to feel the grace and love they have been blessed with in the Divine.

Financially Ben and I realistically can't do this trip alone. (Trust me we didn't chose ministry and the developmental field for the paychecks). So I will put a link to the website where you can donate online and specify who it is for. There you can also get more specific details on what we will be doing. I am trusting God for all the things of this trip to come together as I become more and more excited!

http://www.mosaic2013.com

On top of the DreamCenter in L.A.

Our team last year at the DreamCenter

Food truck in L.A.

Love over Death

What time the mighty moon was gathering light

Love paced the thymy plots of Paradise,

And all about him rolled his lustrous eyes;

When, turning round a cash, full in view

Death, walking all alone beneath a yew,

And talking to himself, first met his sight:

'You must be gone,' said Death, 'these walks are mine.'

Love wept and spread his sheeny vans for flight;

Yet ere he parted said, 'This hour is thine:

Thou art the shadow of life, and as the tree

Stands in the sun and shadows all beneath,

So in the light of great eternity 

Life eminent creates the shade of death;

The shadow passeth when the tree shall fall,

But I shall reign for ever over all.'

I'd like to believe love wins over death.

Three years ago I felt broken.
I unfortunately had to meet my weakness face to face and had to call my own bluff of strength in the light of truth.
Since that time I found a cure for that weakness; re imagine, or better yet, redefine my identity. By having my identity no longer be found in that brokenness or the faces I used to try and hide the brokenness, but instead in something greater; something more Devine than you or I.

There I was a daughter. There I was whole. There I was loved. And that's the kind of identity that felt peaceful to me.

But that was three years ago, and in the shadow of change I forgot the cure.

As much as I love my life now, it all changed so quickly I sometimes forget I had a part in putting it all together. In a whirlwind of putting this with that and sewing my future together, I now find myself graduated, working, married, and in a new city. And the identity that seemed so appealing three years ago has somehow slipped away with the current as I have been (with furious strokes) trying to keep up with the current.

I feel like it is time to stop swimming and float to where the water is cool and the sun is hot; in the green pasture. That is where love wins over death; every time. Wholeness rules over brokenness, security over confusion, peace over the storm and the spirit over me.
The better of all the paradoxes that seem to rule me take over in the arms of Abba.

nose ring.

friendship/pre-marriage party

Dancing Bunnies

The colours override the midnight moon;

It soaks in blue, blue pink and red

They spin around the young girls weary head

The bunnies, they dance with grace,

Around and around they go.

Dizzying the room they can feel the gaze

The girls eyes flicker with concentration, 

And Peace begins to creep.

The shadows begin to take shape.

Darkness no longer has a place.

Fear is just a whim.

Dreary, dreary; not so weary, as she reaches out to touch

The bunnies they just keep on moving; dancing as they must. 

Learning from one another.

   In all honesty, I could write a novel on this subject. But I will try and compress all my thoughts.
Yesterday I was in conversation with someone about religion, and commented on something I had heard recently, that we all need each other. We need the different ideas and thoughts; we need debate and disagreements. Without these things we would become so unbalanced, so arrogant, and probably miss out on some vital things.

Walking away from this conversation, I kept thinking about it.
Every person has something so precious to offer. Something to offer me. Everyone was created by the Divine, and He placed such a specific part of Himself in all of his creation, especially humanity which was created in His image. I don't know if anyone else finds this as cool as I do!
In my opinion that means that I can learn about God and a part of who He is as much from a Christian, as a Muslim, or an atheist. Every person I come in contact with can open a new perspective of the Divines being - Gives me a whole new mindset on the way I look at, and even treat people.

Sometimes when I am on the bus in the mornings, jam packed with people I look around and am so in awe with all the different types of people there are, and how they all have something beautiful in them and something to teach me.

One morning across from me there was this man with a long dark coat, spikes coming out his face, black nail polish, and black makeup on and beside him sat a guy a little over weight, glasses on face and gameboy in hand. They were squished together, and I thought it was such a beautiful sight.
One you only see on the bus, but I thought, wouldn't it be cool if they could find more in common than the fact that they rode the 95 bus together, if they decided they could learn from one another and that both had important and vital pieces to them that only they could ever share.

That is one reason I find myself so disappointed that we separate our churches into denominations, or that we don't find more ways to connect with each other. I want to learn from the baptists or Catholics. I don't know why we all have to agree in church? God is too diverse for any of us to get Him completely rounded off this side of Heaven.

This is an argument I use often in my field, it helps to bring the value of people who have disabilities upfront. There have been a few debates that we have had, on mercy killings of people with disabilities, who are in pain or can't do anything for themselves and are solely dependant on others (which I find to be beautiful, aren't we all dependant? Just because they are just dependant in an obvious way, doesn't give anyone any right to take away their humanity.) {over that tangent}. But I every time bring to the table how their humanity is no different than my own. That every person I have worked with has taught me something, and that is something you cannot argue.
We will never fully know what goes on inside the mind of the non-verbal disabled man, or the one that goes from bed to wheelchair to bed in a day, and that is sacred.

You can never take away a soul of a person, and one of the best and most fun parts of my job is to dig deep and allow others to see the beauty I do. Show people that maybe Bill shows his personality through the way he blinks, and that can never be taken away.

I just recently left my job, where I was working with adolescents with behaviours, and on the days that I would struggle to not take the punch I got in the face to heart. I would think of the things they taught me about God, and find it easier to love them the way the Divine does.

So today, on Valentines, take a moment to look at people differently. Look at them in awe and love and wonder. Look at them with the knowledge that they are unique and can show you a world of something -different-, something you need to learn.