I get these "camp moments."
It's a feeling I find in the smell of a campfire, the sight of a clump of stars, and the feeling of a burst of summer air against my face.
God whispers in those moments.
I found it tonight.
I took out my headphones as I walked to hear the sound of my feet against the pavement and crickets in the distance.

Art.

Oh Pablo!

The "Rest of me."

This is one of those moments I decide that vulnerability is a chance worth taking.
Almost two years ago now I read a book, by Brennan Manning (shocker), and in a question he asked to craft a picture of "the rest of you." The "you" that not everyone sees. This is what I wrote.


This is, of course, a terrifying question to answer; what is the "me" people don't see? Manning is right, in that it is perplex and full of contradictions. I learn a new paradox about myself almost daily.
So what is the "Rest of Carli?".
She is complex, sometimes prideful but compassionate, and for no good reason fearful of many things.
She tries consistently to do the right thing, but doesn't always have the wisdom to know the right thing, so feels as though she has failed.
The rest of Carli has seen much at her age and feels far past her years. She struggles with waiting and wants to physically grow into her spiritual years.
The rest of Carli needs to learn how to be corrected, and how to love fully.
The rest of Carli wants to have a deep and intimate relationship with the Divine, but is often to lazy to put any effort into it.
The rest of Carli is full of adjective good and bad:


loving, but demands much of love
bright and outgoing yet shy and quiet
brave yet fearful
free spirited but chained to conformation
patient but can lose her temper when it counts
forgiving but can hold on to things
honest, but can play games
giving and generous but selfish
whole yet broken
strong yet can fall apart in a moments notice
trusting yet jealous and suspicious
confident yet fragile
vulnerable but can put up many walls
sweet but feisty.


They all contradict yet they are all me.
At the root of the rest of me lies a good heart, one that had been beaten, bruised, shattered and scarred, but beat whole and with love.
This is not all of me yet, I have much more to discover; more perplexities and wonders. I will take a look at them as they come and accept them for what they are and what they make; Carli.

This is also me (in my dream world).

Friends

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I am a wanderer

On Friday night I came home to a group of women in my kitchen.
Heather, LeeAnna and Meredith had been eating popcorn and talking about the things of life.


I was on my way downstairs when they presented me with a question they had been discussing;
Would you say you know who you are?


I quickly and abruptly answered, "Nope, no, I would not."


This is something I have been struggling with the last few months. 
I was always so confident in who I thought I was and the fact that I thought I knew myself so well. 
I suddenly realized any young adult that really feels they "Know themselves" is probably just completely fooled. 
We haven't experienced enough, we don't even know how we react in most situations until we reach them, we haven't felt the true depths of pain (even though in moments it feels like we have.)

"I love you"

"Could you tell me what hurts me?"

"How do I know what hurts you?"

"If you don't know what hurts me how can you say you love me?"

- (story from Brennan Manning)

We must know the intricate details of ourself to really know ourselves and for me 19 years is just not enough time. 
I am a wanderer. 
I am circling around the only things I know to be true about myself and trying to soak in the rest. 

That night I was asked that question this immediately came to mind.


"I know I don't know who I am yet, but the only thing I will worry about finding out to be true is that I am a Child of God and I will let the rest find me."


The only truth about myself I need to deeply and tangibly realize is that I am Abba's daughter, profoundly loved in all the intricate detail that was created to be "carli."


All else can be wandered around and found out in due time.
I realized that I found my idenity in so many other things and when I did those things weren't even Carli. They were empty. They were broken.   


Sometime those things in and of themselves weren't even neccessarily bad. 
One of those things was and is actually working with people that are developmentally disabled. 
It was one of the only things that through a lot of the confusion I knew I really enjoyed. 
I found my identity in serving those people and finding my peace there and it was wrong because it was not in His name, it was because of what I got out of it. 
Strange thought.  


So what I am saying is it is okay to wander. 
Wandering doesn't mean you are lost, wandering means you are on your way to finding something; finding yourself.
Just know this first; you are Abba's dear child.