Friends

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I am a wanderer

On Friday night I came home to a group of women in my kitchen.
Heather, LeeAnna and Meredith had been eating popcorn and talking about the things of life.


I was on my way downstairs when they presented me with a question they had been discussing;
Would you say you know who you are?


I quickly and abruptly answered, "Nope, no, I would not."


This is something I have been struggling with the last few months. 
I was always so confident in who I thought I was and the fact that I thought I knew myself so well. 
I suddenly realized any young adult that really feels they "Know themselves" is probably just completely fooled. 
We haven't experienced enough, we don't even know how we react in most situations until we reach them, we haven't felt the true depths of pain (even though in moments it feels like we have.)

"I love you"

"Could you tell me what hurts me?"

"How do I know what hurts you?"

"If you don't know what hurts me how can you say you love me?"

- (story from Brennan Manning)

We must know the intricate details of ourself to really know ourselves and for me 19 years is just not enough time. 
I am a wanderer. 
I am circling around the only things I know to be true about myself and trying to soak in the rest. 

That night I was asked that question this immediately came to mind.


"I know I don't know who I am yet, but the only thing I will worry about finding out to be true is that I am a Child of God and I will let the rest find me."


The only truth about myself I need to deeply and tangibly realize is that I am Abba's daughter, profoundly loved in all the intricate detail that was created to be "carli."


All else can be wandered around and found out in due time.
I realized that I found my idenity in so many other things and when I did those things weren't even Carli. They were empty. They were broken.   


Sometime those things in and of themselves weren't even neccessarily bad. 
One of those things was and is actually working with people that are developmentally disabled. 
It was one of the only things that through a lot of the confusion I knew I really enjoyed. 
I found my identity in serving those people and finding my peace there and it was wrong because it was not in His name, it was because of what I got out of it. 
Strange thought.  


So what I am saying is it is okay to wander. 
Wandering doesn't mean you are lost, wandering means you are on your way to finding something; finding yourself.
Just know this first; you are Abba's dear child. 

Yet Another Moment of Peace

Serenity and peace can be found in the most obscure places.


It doesn't need to make sense for the Divine to interrupt.


Much like chaos can be evident within you during, what would be seen as, a quiet, silent moment; a peaceful core can erupt when there is much chaos all around you.


It really is a spiritual thing to feel that calm contentment and restful soul within you.
It is the very being of God consumed in you.
And most things in the spiritual world don't make sense in the physical.

We have become so desensitized and used to noise that we shrivel at the thought of silence.

We have rejected the sounds of silence for so long we no longer see them as the beautiful gifts they are.

The flap of wings, the gravel under our feet, the buzzing of heat. 

Soak it in. Feel the peace. It is God.

That Place

I was blessed. I was able to experience such a beautiful childhood being a part of the community on Manitoulin Island.

I will never forget the feeling of one of those sunsets in the backfield, the emotion of running around in freedom with people I loved, the sight of the sun gleaming through the trees, or the truths that I realized in that small tabernacle that now live deep within me.

This will always be my home.

Remember all the things of this childhood place?

The peace of the presence; the organic embrace

This is the home I will always hold dear.

Death, What sting do you bring?

What is this idea of pain, grief and loss in our lives?
It is often the hardest question to answer as a Christ follower.


Why would a God full of love, grace and tenderness allow a world of heartbroken people go unanswered to?
If you say God's heart breaks along with our humanity, who's hearts shatter daily, than why doesn't He intervene?


I was reading the Clive Staples blog and came across a post on Lewis's thoughts on why we are (what feels like) subscribed to experience such pain.


"While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interest but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible source of false happiness?" -Lewis


"God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full- there's nowhere for Him to put it." - Augustine


Our perspective is skewed. Our view on beauty and true happiness is flawed.
We so constantly fill our lives with these things that we believe will bring us purpose, will bring us depth, will bring us happiness. Things that in and of themselves are not necessarily bad, but they are shallow and meaningless in the big picture of what God has intended. 
We expect God to give us all that we ask for, and question him when we feel he doesn't, but in the mean time we are distracted with filling our hands with as much as we could possibly carry, and remove any room He would have to reach us. 
We can all admit to wanting something greater for our lives, to belong to a purpose, and to give reason for our existence. So than what do we do to surrender those things so God may shape our lives into what He intended? What does it look like? 


I heard an interesting thought as I sat in on a lecture at Augustine College yesterday ..."If your job or your ambitions are going to keep you from the Sabbath, quit that job and give up those ambitions."
This thought is so completely counter cultural. Everything in our culture tells us to have purpose we must produce something, we must strive for something, we must be something.
But what does it mean if we gain it all, but lose our time with the Divine?
If your job gets in the way of you spending time with the Divine...quit.
Really? ...
Why not? ...

There really is no Meaning, no Beauty, and no Peace outside of Him...so what do our lives consist of if we exclude Him? 


Lewis actually suggests that if we don't voluntarily surrender, He may allow us to experience things that will bring us to a place of surrender and dependency. 


We have to be careful with this thought though. This doesn't mean that God just takes away fro those that are getting it wrong in life and are filling themselves with distractions; if that was the case those distracted with wealth wouldn't get richer and the wicked wouldn't prosper, but that never seems to be the case. No, the truth is that God allows a universal perspective alteration to a global community that is distracted and who's perspectives are on all things apart from Him. We need to change our mind frame. This is not punishment; this is an act of love. It occurs so we may see the truth with clarity and find pure, real happiness.



It is true that with the limited perspective of fragile humanity it is nearly impossible to explain why. Why these things happen in our lives and in the world around us. But life, faith and the journey is about trust. Trusting in the promise God made that all would be restored in the end, and that the pain we carry is for a greater cause. Our happiness is so shallow and so weak from one moment to the next, and God is trying to fill our spirits with his infinite Joy and remove the extra, so that our contentment isn't based of our ever-swinging human emotions. 


I will chose to trust that I will be well pleased in the end, despite the things that I now do not understand.