I am a wanderer

On Friday night I came home to a group of women in my kitchen.
Heather, LeeAnna and Meredith had been eating popcorn and talking about the things of life.


I was on my way downstairs when they presented me with a question they had been discussing;
Would you say you know who you are?


I quickly and abruptly answered, "Nope, no, I would not."


This is something I have been struggling with the last few months. 
I was always so confident in who I thought I was and the fact that I thought I knew myself so well. 
I suddenly realized any young adult that really feels they "Know themselves" is probably just completely fooled. 
We haven't experienced enough, we don't even know how we react in most situations until we reach them, we haven't felt the true depths of pain (even though in moments it feels like we have.)

"I love you"

"Could you tell me what hurts me?"

"How do I know what hurts you?"

"If you don't know what hurts me how can you say you love me?"

- (story from Brennan Manning)

We must know the intricate details of ourself to really know ourselves and for me 19 years is just not enough time. 
I am a wanderer. 
I am circling around the only things I know to be true about myself and trying to soak in the rest. 

That night I was asked that question this immediately came to mind.


"I know I don't know who I am yet, but the only thing I will worry about finding out to be true is that I am a Child of God and I will let the rest find me."


The only truth about myself I need to deeply and tangibly realize is that I am Abba's daughter, profoundly loved in all the intricate detail that was created to be "carli."


All else can be wandered around and found out in due time.
I realized that I found my idenity in so many other things and when I did those things weren't even Carli. They were empty. They were broken.   


Sometime those things in and of themselves weren't even neccessarily bad. 
One of those things was and is actually working with people that are developmentally disabled. 
It was one of the only things that through a lot of the confusion I knew I really enjoyed. 
I found my identity in serving those people and finding my peace there and it was wrong because it was not in His name, it was because of what I got out of it. 
Strange thought.  


So what I am saying is it is okay to wander. 
Wandering doesn't mean you are lost, wandering means you are on your way to finding something; finding yourself.
Just know this first; you are Abba's dear child.