Dependency.

I have learned about a very important word; this word is dependency.
The very word an alcoholic man said he found in AA opposed to church.

When the world falls apart around you; when your own defenses have fallen through you have no other choice but to be dependent.
When we ignore our own need for each other we are also ignoring our need for God.
And we do this.
Maybe the sinners purpose is to lead the saints to the meaning and importance of dependence.

I have found this so true in my own life.
I need a community around me and I need God.
There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about it.

I always talk about how I need the people I work with as well.
They have taught me so much about myself and what it means to be human, and how to live in God’s goodness and grace.
There was a study that was done to find out what was the point of the lives of those with disabilities.
Those conducting the study at the end had a list of things they had learned from the experience of working closely with those with disabilities.
The list included things like:
“I learned to appreciate the little pleasures in life”
“I learned about myself”
“I’ve learned to appreciate the slightest bit of progress”
“I finally feel like I am needed”

I immediately knew what these people were feeling.
Working with people that have disabilities and especially those with significant disabilities every sign of progress you find joy in, and when you are so in tuned with looking for that tiny bit of progress; you are trying so hard for others to see that soul you know is so beautifully and wonderfully made, you really find yourself, find what it is to be human and how in need you are of connection.

Henri Nouwen wrote
“Everyone who returns from a long and difficult trip is looking for someone waiting for him at the station or the airport. Everyone wants to tell his story and share his moments of pain and exhilaration with someone who stayed home, waiting for him to come back.”

We have that within somewhere. That need to connect. We are not made to be alone. We all need someone.

We want to believe that what hurts us has meaning to someone else.

In moments where this desire is strong; I know I can be held by my heavenly Father. 

It sometimes takes a lot of mistakes and a lot of moments of brokenness before I admit this need of

dependency, but it inevitably comes. For us all.

I believe the thorn in Paul`s side that he so often brings up in the New Testament and that is so often debated

was God`s way of keeping Paul dependent.

The very thing you hate about yourself is the very thing God uses to make you dependent on Him.

I heard about a picture of sin and grace like this; it is like you are on the end of a string held by God and every

time you sin God cuts the string, but His inexhaustible love for you makes him retie that string as He picks you

up in your moment of failure and need with His grace, as the string gets cut and retied it gets shorter and

shorter. Soon those very experiences of sin actually bring you closer to God as you need his grace more and

learn how to be more dependent.

I don't think we are the only ones who need us to be dependent on God, I think God needs us to be

dependent on him too. His desire is for us, and when we are not living in connection with Him the very heart

of God is broken and aches for us.
God desires for us to be waiting at the airport for him too.

It is like this symbiotic dance between us and the Divine and our need for each other.

Dependency on each other and God is what makes thriving reality.
I hope to be someone who lives truly knowing the importance of dependency.
To live in community with my brothers and sisters. To live embraced in God's grace.
I hope we all come to know this importance.

Winter Months Only Last for a While...

   Spring is full of life and hope, summer is full of contentment and peace, fall is full of beauty and closure, but winter reminds us of our human existence.

   I had a difficult day last week. I had decided that I needed to cut back in some areas of my life. One of those was work; I can’t help but feel guilty about it, and more than that just a deep sadness.

I don’t want to give up working with the little girl I work with. I love her; she teaches me about peace and joy, but my body is wearing down and I can’t physically keep up any longer.


I have feelings of failure and brokenness, and have found myself scrambling for peace.

There have been moments I was worried about working in my field because it is simply just hard; hard to leave clients, to see them struggle, to see some pass away. I was worried I wasn`t strong enough, and that too many tears would be shed, but maybe they don`t need strength. Maybe they need those tears to be shed for them.
I had felt dumb for crying most of the day, but then I remembered reading in a book by Philip Yancey about his wife’s work. She worked with vulnerable people as well, and he said she came home crying almost every night. He describes sitting with her during those nights and doing what he calls “eating her tears”; in other words sitting and feeling the pain with her. She would often have similar feelings to me about guilt and feeling stupid for crying over her clients, but Yancey said “Someone has to cry for them.”

I will take your words of advice as well Yancey.

Your Laughter

     

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,

laugh at the twisted

streets of the island,

laugh at this clumsy

boy who loves you,

but when I open

my eyes and close them,

when my steps go,

when my steps return,

deny me bread, air,

light, spring,

but never your laughter

for I would die.
- Pablo Neruda

      

"Letting myself be loved by God is the most important reality in my life..."

I need to believe that God sits with me in my pain, and that it rips Him apart.
That He cries with me and laughs with me.
That in the moments of loneliness and emptiness I am being pursued relentlessly.
And that His pursuit doesn't stop through my failures, mistakes, and despairs but in reality becomes more furious.
That He whispers to me "Come now my love, my lovely one come...", as a plea because He so desperately wants me, and through accepting that plea I will find a peace beyond imagination and understanding.  

Click on the link below and get blown away.



Brennan Manning on God's Love

Stand in Wonder

Have you ever stood in wonder at something?

I had a moment of wonder today that brought back many other moments of wonder and got me thinking.

I was walking down the streets of Ottawa as it snowed; I suddenly couldn’t believe I was there in that moment at that time.
I stood in wonder at the fact I was here, in Ottawa, walking the streets of my current home city.
All the moments that brought me here standing behind the wonder.

That’s when all other moments came to mind. All times I stood in wonder at something; anything.

All the moments on the Island that I was dazzled by the beauty God had created.
Standing before a sunrise that held brighter colours then I had ever witnessed in a Crayola box.
The night sky filled with glorious bright stars. The moment one shoots across the sky and I catch my breath.
The moments in that small tabernacle that I stood in wonder at the pureness of the Lord and the work I saw being done around me in and through the people I had grown up with.

I still have moments of complete wonder and awe with Ben.
I sometimes look at him and my heart can’t believe I am here. With him. Now

It started with moments of wonder, walking down the windy lit up streets of Ottawa on a cold winter night. Talking about life, faith, dreams with this boy.
A month later we are again walking on another windy cold winter night on a trail in Toronto. We confess emotions while sipping on tea. I stand in wonder.
The moment we are sitting on a balcony in Florida just sitting in each other’s presence. Smelling the Florida air and falling even deeper in love. Apparently it was possible.

The former Ben Albrecht I had known, surely not the same boy.
I look down at my hand the spaces filled with his, a ring on my finger, I look at his face. Is this for real?
Here I am. With the man I will be with. Forever.
More moments of complete wonder.
The moment I bought the dress for my own wedding.
Is this happening?
The moments I am with him and know I will never love anyone greater or more fully then I love him in that moment. I close my eyes to try and hold that moment as a memory for as long as I can.

I can’t wait for more moments of wonder.

The day, only six months away now, that I look him in the eyes and promise him the world. Give him my life. Commit to him forever.

The ultimate moment of wonder.

I will close my eyes and pray that the moment will stay with me.
The moment of our first kiss and first dance as husband and wife; moments of affection and intimacy to start off the rest of our life.

Standing in complete wonder. He’s mine.
As I remember to thank the Divine.

Our Engagement Photo's done by Brittany Hildebrandt

                                                               personal favourite above.